I’m three. I’m playing with my doll. He is yelling and it scares her—she never stops crying. My doll’s name is Leah. Leah is one.
I'm 4. I'm in the bathroom talking to the creatures who live in the walls. He shouts who are you talking to. I tell him the rabbits. He tells me to hurry up and get the fuck out.
I’m six. My school friend exclaims, ‘I can’t wait for the weekend so I can stay home!’ I look at him quizzically. Home makes me uneasy. I much prefer school days.
I’m 7. I can’t read. I’m the only one in my class who can’t read. He screams at me to read the fucking book. I stare hard at the letters and make my eyes move. It looks like I’m reading.
I’m 8 and I go to the playground with him and Leah. Mommy isn’t allowed to come. When she leaves the house she gets in trouble. She doesn’t leave the house.
I’m 9 and I jump in the puddles on the way home from school. My sneakers are all wet. He whips me with a stick from the garden. I bleed.
I'm 10. The rabbits I used to talk to are woodland fairies. I'm their queen.
I'm 11. Leah, Daniel, Caleb and I are good pirates. I'm the Captain and I'm in charge. The bad pirates are coming. My sister and brothers must hide under the blankets. Only I can peek my head out to protect them.
I’m 12 and my friend asks to come over to my house. I tell her my house is weird. I can come over to her house instead. He asks me where I’m going. Am I going over to my whore friend’s house? He tells me to sit the fuck down.
I’m 13. We don’t have internet or TV at home. We listen to the Christian radio station. I read science fiction novels. I spend 7 to 8 hours of the day reading. I average a book a day. I no longer live in my body. I live in my head. We all do.
I’m 14 and he pushes me to the ground onto Caleb’s vomit. He tells me to fucking clean it up.
I’m 15 and I need to use the internet to do my homework. I walk to the library. He screams at me when I return home later that evening. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU FUCKING WHORE.”
I’m 16 and I need to write a paper about current events. We only learn about past events in school. I have no idea what to write about. I don’t know what’s going on. I ask mom, but she doesn’t know either.
I’m 17 and Leah hasn’t talked in a while. It’s been almost a year. She looks like she’s in a perpetual state of shock. He calls her the Ice Queen. She looks at him, terrified. At school my art teacher asks if she’s okay. I tell her that Leah is just weird.
I’m 18 and he pushes me down the stairs, jumps down after me and kicks me as I lay on the floor. He had been hurting Daniel. I got in the way. Later, Daniel cries, telling me it's his fault. "It's not your fault, Daniel." I say.
I’m 20 and I don’t come home for Christmas. Leah tells me that he cut the Christmas tree in half with a chainsaw and threw it out the front door onto the front lawn. He broke many ornaments including a painted glass one given to Caleb the year before. Caleb screamed. I don't give a fuck, Daddy yelled. You’re lucky, Leah tells me.
I’m 21 and I return home for only three days this year. I’m standing at the sink shaking as he screams at Daniel. "You’re so stupid, why are you so stupid?" I glare at my father. He tells me to stay out of the way or get the fuck out. I could kill you, he says. I call my friend to pick me up and I leave.
I’m 22 and I tell him I booked a Christian Women’s Retreat for mom and me for the 3 days following Christmas. He fears God. He believes me. Mom and I stay at my apartment and go to museums and go for walks and go out to dinner.
Mom tells me her head has never been so clear.
I’m 22. It’s March, 2015. I receive an email from mom. She tells me things are bad. She tells me she made a friend who will help. She tells me she’s going to leave him by May.
May 1, 2015 –– We call it Freedom Day.
